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| How can you break free from your codependent relationship with your partner |
Here are the steps for psychological liberation from "codependency" in your romantic/marital relationships.
In the previous article, we discussed "collusive codependent" relationships, and how they grow between two partners where one is a "classic codependent" and the other is a "counter-codependent."
Due to upbringing and cultural factors in our Arab societies, relationships where the woman is the "classic codependent" party are widespread.
In these connections, the woman suffers much psychological and emotional harm, even sexual and physical, which makes her feel inferior and weak, leading to the relationship's failure sooner or later.
Here are the steps for psychological liberation from "codependency" in your romantic/marital relationships.
Admit your dependent behaviors then start reading about "collusive codependency"
Spotting the issue and acknowledging its presence is the first path to recovery. Many ladies are surprised that the pain and hurt they experience in their relationships is, in reality, a known pathological phenomenon with a name, specific symptoms, and a clear treatment method and approach.
You will be surprised that thousands of women globally feel what you feel, and you will feel hope when you learn that thousands of them have reached safe harbor, freed themselves from codependency in their emotional bonds, and their lives have changed for the better.
Helpful books might include:
"Dangerous Relationships" by Dr. Mohamed Taha
All books by author Melody Beattie
On paper, list your dependent behaviors with your partner
Example:
I call my partner every hour to see what he is doing.
When my husband speaks to any attractive woman, I feel threatened and argue with him, telling myself he will surely start an affair with her and might stop loving me.
I fight with my husband and feel resentful when he goes out with his friends without me.
When my partner insults me or mistreats me, I go to talk to him an hour later because I dislike tension and cannot bear his anger.
Determine the sources of pressure in your life and how you deal with them
One reason for getting entangled in codependent relationships is viewing the relationship or the partner as a "painkiller pill" that we take to escape facing pressures and problems.
It might be beneficial to monitor the daily pressures you face in your life and create clear plans to confront and manage them.
Engage constructively in solving your daily problems instead of ignoring them and escaping into an emotional relationship.
Example:
My strained relationship with my children.
Solution: Spend more time talking with them.
My daily disagreements with my mother or father.
Solution: Establish final resolutions for recurring issues.
Problems at work.
Solution: Talk to my manager or search for a new job.
One reason for getting entangled in codependent relationships is viewing the relationship or the partner as a "painkiller pill" that we take to escape facing pressures and problems.
How to discover yourself
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Draw your boundaries and learn how to protect them
A cause of psychological pain and oppression in "codependent" relationships is the exaggerated desire of the "classic codependent" party to please the other partner and be the source of their happiness all the time.
This desire to satisfy the partner makes you do many things that don't suit you and makes you fearful of refusing what you don't want to do.
Protecting your boundaries means learning to say: "No... this doesn't suit me" firmly, clearly, and directly.
Monitor all the irritating things you do for your partner to avoid his anger or loss, then discuss it with him. Start with one thing, and after achieving a satisfactory outcome, address the second item, and so on.
Examples of these things include:
Going out with some of your partner's friends whom you dislike being with.
Things you do in sexual intimacy out of coercion to please him.
Participating in buying things with your partner that you neither need nor wish to invest in.
Stop trying to change your partner
Among the rules for liberation from "codependent relationships" are:
"I am not responsible for changing anyone; no one can change a person who does not wish to change. I am solely responsible for changing myself. My change might cause a change in others, or alter how they treat me—or it might not succeed."
Stop treating the universe as if you are the "savior."
You won't be able to change everyone, nor rescue them from their dark lives.
Making others happy is not your responsibility!
Constant sacrifice for the relationship is unhealthy. Erasing the features of your personality will not help.
Understand yourself, learn strength and assertiveness, and then the signals you send to others will change, and you will notice the difference in how others interact with you. As for those who do not respect your boundaries and emotionally blackmail you, in time, you will be psychologically capable of deterring them or defining the nature of your relationship with them, or even completely withdrawing from the relationship.
Protect your boundaries
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Learn how to be friends with yourself
In the aforementioned "codependent relationships," the woman usually makes the partner the center of her life; she neglects her hobbies, work, and social relations with her female friends.
Furthermore, the woman avoids befriending herself because her inner dialogue with herself is painful and negative.
Learn how to spend wonderful and enjoyable times in your own company: read books, write, take online courses, drink your coffee in the morning in a place you love, and share your achievements, thoughts, and interests with your friends.
Form a healthy community and new sound relationships
When a woman is codependent, this is usually the pattern of her relationships with everyone—partner, parents, and even female friends.
After you learn new communication skills, and after a period of psychological therapy and change, begin forming new, sound relationships where you apply the new skills you've learned, such as assertiveness, productivity, and independence.
Seek specialized assistance
At some point, it would be wonderful to seek help from a specialist, such as a psychological therapist or a life coach in the field of relationships, and specialized support groups, such as group therapy sessions and psychodrama courses, for example.
Specialists will help you learn new skills and look at matters from a completely different perspective, and they will assign you useful writing exercises, and recommend important readings.
You will feel understood and accepted as you are, and you will find a community that helps you renew your view of yourself away from the distorted view your partner projects onto you.
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